i can’t say anything else
but my mind won’t shut the fuck up
probably need drugs just to feel normal
anything to make the synapses in my brain feel new
i can’t say anything else
there is someone who i want in my life very badly. his name is ______, he is a very interesting person. i would like to open his brain up and see what is inside. sometimes before i fall asleep i think about him.
i am convinced that i have been possessed. there is a good chance that my mind has been taken over by something which seeks to use me purely for it’s own benefit. but truthfully, i am ready to be used and abused.
i’m only 20, you know? but i think i’m an old soul. i have always felt this way…you know? sometimes, i wanna die. it’s not like i wanna kill myself because i’m depressed…although one could argue that i might be. i just want to be loved.
some days i feel like absolute shit. some days i feel like God. some days i take lots of drugs and feel like a useless “thing”. some days i take lots of drugs and feel like i can take over the world. some days i take drugs and don’t feel anything at all. some days i take drugs because i don’t feel anything at all.
i am on drugs right now…you know? lol.
my cell phone broke about a month ago and i ordered a new one 2 weeks ago…actually, i don’t remember when i ordered it…my sense of time is SEVERELY FUCKED these days..you know?
ANYHOW, it arrived two days ago. i have yet to take it out of my mailbox.
it’s not like i hate everyone in my life and don’t want to speak to them. i’m just too lazy to do anything nowadays…you know?
i think i am going to start vlogging. words are nice and all, but there is something in the art of talking directly to a camera. i don’t write like i talk because my hands are not quick enough to keep up with the pace of my brain. I WANT YOU GUYS TO READ THIS! I’M NOT POSTING IT ON MY BLOG FOR NO REASON…YOU KNOW???/!! LOL
I am deeply aware of my loneliness. i am deeply aware of the fact that people think i’m fucked up/different/crazy/weird/insane/stupid/ugly/amazing. i like myself, isn’t that enough? i don’t do things for validation. i do things because i feel like they are necessary. i don’t ever want to hurt people, but it sees like they love to hurt me.
i got my septum pierced almost 2 weeks ago. it didn’t hurt too bad, but naturally my eyes watered up like a BITCH! i looked at myself in the mirror, after having been pierced, and saw my face covered in tears.
and i couldn’t remember the last time i had actually cried.
i wish i could cry sometimes. truthfully, i wish i could cry all the time. but i can’t.
all this “sad energy” i carry around in the back of my head is starting to take a toll on me. i think crying would be the only way to release all of it.
I don’t feel sorry for myself lol
i want to make art
i JUST want to be a junkie. i want to do drugs all the time. maybe it’s some sort of genetic predisposition…my family is full of alcoholics. pretty sure it is. pretty sure i don’t care.
i feel lonely & depraved a lot of the time. i have nothing to lose. i have accepted the fact that i was born to live the life of the outcast. i realize that there is a great freedom that comes with living this way. i love myself. i want to free myself from all the bullshit. don’t we all?
WHO IS TRULY HAPPY?
i am going to post this now. because i think it will make me feel ‘better’. i’m too lazy to go back & check for any typos..wtf
alt lit seems to be the art of good feelings
i mean a lot of us are feeling pretty bad
most of the time, sure
but at least we’re pleasant about it
why can’t art be less about getting into galleries
or getting published
and more about making it &
feeling good about it
escape from the machine
i’m done posting things on Tumblr for now because i feel i’ve gotten into this cycle where it’s ok for me to put shit (‘shit’ as in garbage—cathartic garbage…but garbage nonetheless) online, purely for the pleasure of having it seen. it was nice at first, but the archival nature of this website gives me anxiety. i don’t think anyone will really understand, or care to understand, the ‘work’ i’ve posted on here unless i try to offer some insight into the nature of my own thought process. i suppose that’s what i’m trying to do with this ebook. i’ve been working on it for quite awhile now and it’s almost done, i think.
i guess you could say it’s more “experimental” (although i do hate that word! everything is fucking experimental these days) than anything i’ve put out so far..so yea. i also think it would be cool to release it on Bicycle Day or 420, simply because i wrote the majority of it while on drugs. but i don’t know. it all depends on how long it takes me to finish/edit//possibly freak out about putting it online for public consumption/get over the freak out/edit again.
<i’m not much of an ‘editor’ really, but i want a cohesive final product>
lol idk. it would be cool if you guys liked it…those of you who actually give a shit about what i have to say.
I think it would be funny if I killed myself,
and left a bad taste in the mouths of all my friends & family.
They would all cry their ugly little eyes out
at my funeral
they would all feel guilty
and wonder what they could’ve done. or what they could’ve said (to prevent such a ‘tragedy’)
Maybe it’s all the things you shouldn’t have done, and all the things you shouldn’t have said.
today i’m filming a documentary in which the boy i desperately want to fuck is the subject. this should be interesting.
yea…i do lol